Looking for Love. . .

The following link/article is for Christian single woman not necessarily single moms. I thought, however, some of it might hit home. 

In Love’s Waiting Room? There’s Hope!

Source: www.cbn.com

Author Stacie Ruth Stoelting offers tips for Christian singles.

Tips for Single Moms

I am collecting your tips for single moms. The mom who submits the best Tip in each category with receive a copy of Laundry Tales, a collection of stories that lightens the load for moms from the Celebrate Moms team www.celebratemoms.org  & includes one of Gail’s stories.

 Each “Tip” should fall under one of thses topic areas:

• Family Fun
• Educational
• Spiritual Growth
• Encouragement
• Household How-to

Keep the description 75 words or less. The idea is that it could be printed on a flip-type desk calendar. You will be given credit so please send how you want your name to appear. For example, “Gail Showalter raised three children as a single mother. She now lives in Nederland with her husband, Sam and their dog Prissy.” Be informative and simple.

Please send to me via email at singlemoms@smoreforwomen.org

Raising Boys to Men as Single Mom

Going It Alone

By Michele Howe

Chapter 7

Boys to Men:  Raising a Masculine Son in a House of Females

Supplemental by Gail Cawley Showalter

I had a girl and two boys born in a thirty-seven month period. What a time! Make no mistake boys and girls are different. Some may try to minimize the differences. In my experience they are just different. Neither is better than the other. Neither is easier than the other. Boys need their moms in ways that require careful discernment by the mother. Mostly I think they need to be respected for who they are and who they can become as men. Some of these areas will not be as easy for a single-mom to do. Here are a few ideas:

• Learn what makes your son tick. Is he musically gifted? Does he love sports? If so, which one? Is he an avid reader? If so, what does he like to read? Is he mechanical? Is he artistic? Is he sensitive? All of these will give you what you need to determine how to encourage and direct him as he grows up and makes decisions.
• Notice how he responds to what you say and how you say it. Some boys are easily intimidated by authority, while others resist it. Adjust your tone of voice and choose your words considering your son’s way of interacting with you.
• Which topics, activities, and subjects interest your son? Which topics, activities, or subjects does he dislike? Encourage and praise his work in his areas of strength and gently direct him through to success in subject that are more difficult for him.
• Encourage and even arrange if possible relationships with uncles, granddads, and mature male church members. Let the men know that you appreciate the relationship they have with your son. Choose men that are trustworthy and a good match for your son, not someone that appeals to you. 
• Stay alert to community and sports activities that interest guys. Offer to take your son with a friend or ask if a neighbor of church member could take them. Asking is awkward for some moms, but as they say “you never know until you ask.” We had a gracious neighbor who offered to take my boys to the local university basketball games. They were delighted. I never would’ve thought to take them. 
• Do not assume your son isn’t interested in cooking. It is no longer “woman’s work.” With all the cooking shows it has become a popular hobby and an acceptable career. Make the kitchen accessible and welcoming for all your children. All of us have to eat and everyone benefits from learning cooking skills. If your son is more interested in grilling give him the opportunity to experiment with it, when he is old enough to handle the equipment safely. Boys also like kitchen devices like waffle irons, counter-top grilles, and mixers. Children should be allowed in the kitchen for more than clean-up. 
• Never embarrass your son. Never, never, never. Corrective comments should be given in private. This of course applies to girls as well. 
• On the other hand some boys really beam when complimented in front of others. A simple acknowledgement of a job well done is all it takes-nothing flowery or long-winded. 
• Never stop telling them you love them, just do so out of ear-shot of his buddies. 
• Every chance you have let him know he has potential. If he makes a high score in math comment of the future possibilities for people who do well in math, the same with others subjects. Let him dream of the potential for success in his area of strength.

Single Mom Tip

Tip contributed by Mary A. Simon, a SMORE board member.

To encourage your school age children-write a quick note in a tiny spiral notebook, add a fun sticker and place in their pocket, purse, or lunch bag as they go to school. It can be your little secret and is a way for them to take your love with them and keep it close throughout the day.

Thanks Mary!

If you have a tip to share send to singlemoms@smoreforwomen.org

One-Parent Families and the Local Church

Reprinted from www.changingfamilies.com Copyright 2010. All rights reserved.

Why a ministry to One-Parent Families?

As Christians, we are called upon to help those in need—not indiscriminately, but thoughtfully and with discernment at work to determine the most appropriate way to help. According to Brenda Armstrong and Larry Burkett in Single Parent Family Ministry Training Manual, we are to keep the following injunctions in mind when we contemplate whom we are to help:

1. Our own families;
2. Our brothers and sisters in Christ, especially the widows and orphans among us;
3. the poor the stranger and the alien (the unbelievers).

One might ask “how we can look at helping single parent families when the adults are not widows nor are the children orphans?” According to Armstrong and Burkett, if one looks at all the definitions of widows, it includes the ancient concept of the Grass Widow (or widower) that includes a woman (or man) who is divorced or separated or temporarily away from his/her wife or husband. In scripture, the Greek word chera is used in this context and is interpreted as “the idea of deficiency; a widow (lacking a husband), literal or figurative”—which would include the concept of the grass widow.

In addition, the definition of an orphan can include those who are deprived of some protection or advantage, usually offered by a parent. Another interpretation of this is the use of the term “fatherless” which occurs no less than 39 times. Remember that in the term “single parent”, the word “single” is just the adjective; parent is Who they are. This shifts the ministry emphasis to the welfare of the family i.e. the children (orphans and fatherless) instead of the marital status of the parent. It then is easy to see that there are many biblical injunctions to take care of the widows, orphans and fatherless. This is family ministry.

What Does Scripture say about One-Parent Families?

Exodus 22:22-24: You shall not afflict any widow or fatherless child. If you afflict them in any way and they cry at all to Me, I will surely hear their cry and my wrath will become hot. 
Deuteronomy 14:28-29: At the end of every third year you shall bring out the tithe of your produce of that year and store it up within your gates…. the fatherless and the widow who are within your gates may come and eat and be satisfied, that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hand which you do. 
Psalm 68:5: A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows is God in His holy habitation. 
Psalm 82:3: Defend the poor and the fatherless; do justice to the afflicted and the needy.
Psalm 146:9: The Lord watches over the strangers; He relieves the Fatherless and the widow…
Isaiah 1:17: Learn to do good; seek justice, rebuke the oppressor, defend the fatherless, plead for the widow.
James 1:27: Pure and defiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble…

Why don’t single parents fit into my singles’ ministry?

Changing Families can help you answer that important question. Some of the issues involve:

• Traditional singles ministry focuses on singleness and finding wholeness as a single. 
• There is much emphasis in singles’ groups on ministry in action as well as social interaction. 

Social events and ministry in action present problems for single parents because:

• There is a different social focus for singles and single parents. 
• There are childcare concerns that singles do not face.
• Single parents are faced with many more financial obligations and restrictions than singles deal with. Indeed, 45% of one-parent homes headed by moms have an income below the poverty line.
• There is a lack on spontaneity that singles are not facing.
• Single parents are also unable to commit large blocks of time to social events or ministry functions, such as mission trips, etc.
• Because of these problems, single parents are unlikely to attend on a regular basis.

What would it take to minister to single parent families in MY church?

Very simply: a new approach to doing ministry. Changing Families can help you with the answers to these and other questions:

• How do I handle the issues of the Bible and divorce?
• How can I attract single parents to my congregation or fellowship?
• How are practical ministry needs best met?
• What does socializing look like for single parent families?
• What about the kids???
• How can I incorporate single parents within my congregation?
• How can we reach out to heal the pain caused by death, divorce, or disappointment these families have experienced? 

How do I bring a One-Parent Family ministry like Changing Families to my home church?

When you contact Changing Families we can help you through:

• Phone and/or e-mail consultations
• In-person consultations with your congregational leaders
• An in-person seminar by the Changing Families seminar leadership team

Take Our Interactive Quiz

Resources for additional reading:

Single Parent Ministry Training Manual. Larry Burkett and Brenda Armstrong. Crown Financial Ministries. P.O. Box 2377 Gainesville, Georgia.

Building Blocks of Recovery for Children in Single Parent homes. Training Leaders and Equipping Parents to Help Kids Heal. Gary Sprague. Kids Hope. Woodland Park, Colorado. (four audio-tapes)

The Financial Guide for Single Parents. Larry Burkett. Moody Press.

Bonding with Family Fun

The women of Crossroads Fellowship http://www.crfellowship.org    are hosting A  Day of Blessings for Single-Moms on May 1, 2010 in Nederland, Texas.

We are looking for donations and ideas. So feel free to let us know if. . .

• You have ideas for having fun with your children in inexpensive ways
• You have gifts to donate to moms and their children
• You want to contribute in any other way to make this Day a true Blessing for a single-mom

You may contact me at singlemoms@smoreforwomen.org

Single Adult Ministers-Did You Know?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR CHURCH FOR SINGLE-MOMS?

DO YOU EVER WONDER WHY YOU HAVE SO FEW COMING TO YOUR CHURCH?

Here are some facts that may surprise you.

Facts about single-moms

• Approximately 84% of custodial parents are mothers (10 million)
• 44% are divorced or separated
• 33% have never been married
• 22% are remarried
• 1% are widowed
• 27.7 % live in poverty

And their children

• 24 million live in a home absent their father
• 1 in 2 live in a single-parent family at some point in childhood
• 1 in 3 is born to unmarried parents

Reprinted from Rick Warren’s Ministry Tool Box http://legacy.pastors.com/RWMT February 2007 Copyright 2007 All rights reserved

Entry taken from Dennis Franck’s book, Reaching Single Adults

Resist Pressure to ‘Normalize’ Divorce

Reprinted from Chicago Sun Times, http://www.suntimes.com/lifestyles/betsyhart/2002191,ESY-News-EasyHart21.article , January 2010, Copyright 2010. All rights reserved.

 

BY BETSY HART www.betsysblog.com

In the hilarious romantic comedy “It’s Complicated,” there’s a scene in which the grown children make it clear they are not happy at the prospect of their parents getting back together 10 years after their break-up.

Why? “We’re still getting over the divorce,” one explains.

» Click to enlarge image

Betsy Hart

Of course they are. In fact I’m convinced that our culture and its effort to “normalize” divorce makes it harder for kids to heal from it.

I was reminded of this recently when talking to a dear friend whose husband also left their family years ago. We compared notes about how we were adamantly told by the culture to maintain to our kids that “the divorce is sad, but no one is at fault.”

I’ve known many people over the years left by their spouse, in spite of doing everything they could to save their marriage, who themselves insist on buying into this thinking. Talk about drinking the Kool-Aid.

To say both parents decided to end the marriage when that’s a lie is degrading to the faithful spouse. And the cover-up is supposed to help kids . . . how exactly?

In contrast, I had people in my life who encouraged me to follow a different and more honest path when my marriage ended. I’ve shared the things I’ve learned many times with friends and readers facing similar life’s circumstances who tell me it’s been so helpful.

Here are some of the highlights. Beware of “cultural incorrectness”:

The big picture is that it doesn’t necessarily take two people to end a marriage. It can take just one who decides to break a promise and walk away from the marriage when the other spouse has remained, and desires to remain, committed to it.

Now let’s get personal:

• You weren’t a perfect wife or husband by a long stretch. Ditto your spouse. It was still his or her calling to remain faithful to your marriage. That’s why it’s “marriage,” not “dating.”

• If you tell your children that you are complicit in ending the marriage when you are not, your children will know you are lying. Then who will they trust? What will they think of your own values, and commitment? What will they think of marriage itself someday?

• To the extent you make compassionately clear that the problem lies in the heart of the one who tragically chose to break a promise, the less likely your children are to blame themselves for the divorce. The more likely they will be to have healthy relationships later.

• And compassion is key. We are all sinners, capable of far worse than we probably imagine. Sin can be so blinding! And so without sharing any details I didn’t need to, I told my kids years ago “your dad didn’t leave because he could see clearly, but precisely because he couldn’t.”

There’s more, but you get the idea.

In “It’s Complicated,” there’s a poignant moment in which dad Alec Baldwin is standing in a doorway and looking in on the family he left. The children, like my kids, have a relationship with their father. Still, as they sit down to dinner with their mom Meryl Streep and he goes home to the woman he left them for, he looks longingly and sadly at a family scene that can never be truly his again.

The whole movie hit close to home for me. But that moment made me sad for my ex’s loss most of all. I think being honest with myself and with my children over the years has brought me to that redemptive place.

And so I’m grateful, especially for my children’s well-being, that with the help of wise friends I was able to see what it means that “you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.”

The Wish of Single Moms Everywhere

All the single mothers I know desire the very best for their children. Moms want to encourage the gifts they see in their children. When we look at our world with our 24/7 news coverage we see sorry, need, and destruction on every front. Mothers know that it will be the children whose gifts are honored, acknowledged, and developed that will change the world.

Taken from Writing to Change the World by Mary Pipher

Margaret Mead defined an ideal culture as one that makes a place for every human gift. As our world approaches the precipice of destruction, it will survive only if we construct a new culture that is, to quote F. Scott Fitzgerald, “Something commensurate with our capacity for wonder.” With our healing stories, we will build that good, strong place where every being is valued and every gift can shine forth.

Encourage the children. Give them the chance to ‘wonder.’

Thinking Critically: Encouraging Kids to Discern

Thoughts for Chapter 6 of Going It Alone by Michele Howe and published by Hendrickson

1. Before you begin thinking of ways to influence your children consider your own critical thinking skills. Do you question what you hear, read, or see? Do you have a test for truth? If so what is it? Are you easily influenced by advertising or political campaigning? Are you easily hooked by salesmen?

2. Here are a few ways to get your kids thinking.

• Allow them to help you with the grocery list, including calculating the costs.
• Point out character traits, including flaws, of television celebrities and stars.
• Challenge them to look at the other side of controversial issues-school related, political, and religious.
• Use stories for bedtime with younger children that develop deeper thinking.
• Discuss topics during dinner that provoke the critical thinking process.
• Read or encourage them to read biographical stories of famous people whose analytical thinking brought about major changes in the world.*
• Create the atmosphere in your home that encourages questioning.
• Play the “What If” game when discussing options about actions they may or may not take with regard to situations in their social lives.

3. List some fallacies in TV commercials. Use as a topic of discussion or point out to them as they come up.

 4. Children, to overcome the obstacles of this world, must develop discernment. Without causing fear give them tools to approach life decisions with discernment by thinking a few steps ahead of them. What will be the next major life-step for each of your children? What will she/he need to know to make that decision? How might you approach it so that she/he will have all the information needed to make a wise choice?

*Value Tales series by Ann Donegan and Spencer Johnson