Which Mother Wins the ‘Mother of the Year’?

No contest. The Single Mother is the heroine.

She loves and adores her children just as other mothers do. She continues to mother through all her heartaches as the children struggle to adapt to their own disappointments. She delays her dreams and instills hope in their hearts. She endures thankless jobs and encourages her children to dream. She performs the mundane chores and keeps hoping for a brighter future. She often receives no financial assistance. And yet society accuses her. If she divorced, she is acted selfishly. If she is abused, she chose wrongly. Even the widow with children is not considered a whole, but an incomplete family unit.

How is it we don’t’ see—or refuse to acknowledge—mothers stay to raise the children while—men leave. And yet we discriminate against the mother with headlines like “Are Single Moms Ruining American.” How is it we consider single moms the victims, not from another, but victims of their own choices?

How is it we can allow so many of our children’s fathers to escape paying for the basic essentials while the single mothers can’t hold jobs without a good education and can’t get that without the funds to pay for it?

     How is it we are not outraged that in 2002 nearly 40% of female-headed families with children under 18 officailly lived in poverty?

     Are we refusing to accept obvious solutions due to our preconceived notions? Haven’t we all made mistakes and poor choices? How is it the single mother is left alone to shoulder the consequences for a choice she didn’t make alone? Rarely do any of millions of single moms intentionally plan to raise their children alone without the support of a partner. Single mom families come in various styles. Most come to it after a defeat such as a death or divorce. Expectations of raising children in a two-parent home are spoiled. Their disappointment is compounded by the economic fact that they can’t break the cycle. There are ways to break this cycle. I visited one of them recently. The Buckner Family Place in Lufkin collaborates with government agencies and colleges to provide housing and childcare for single parent families striving for self sufficiency.

     As stated in their brochure, Buckner Family Place programs help participants break the cycle of welfare dependence, reduce domestic violence in homes, and eliminate incidents of child abuse while building stronger families through security and education.

     After meeting with administrators I met a few of the moms. I saw how a genuine caring program can break the cycle of poverty and build confidence and job skills. It is ‘creating futures’ for moms and their children.

     Mothers are given the gift of hope. Hope goes a long way towards creating a future. In the U.S. over ten million single mothers carry the load, continue on, and hope for a better day. The hope perched in her soul keeps her going.

     Many successful people were raised by single mothers. Ed Bradley, CBS news correspondent, Maya Angelou, Pulitzer Prize, Tony, and Emmy Award winner, Lady Bird Johnson were all raised by a single mother. Though my three grown children are not famous they are doing very well. Our lives were forever altered by divorce and we often experienced genuine despair. Our economic status changed drastically. My children learned early a life lived well requires optimism, hard work, and hope.

     No contest—the single mom is the Mother of the Year.

     “Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, And sings the tune—without the words, and never stops at all.” Emily Dickinson

 

Gail Cawley Showalter

Founder—SMORE for Women

www.smoreforwomen.org

 

The Switching Hour: Kids of Divorce Say Good-bye Again

A new book is out written by Dr. Evon Flesberg and published by Abingdon Press. It may be very helpful to single moms (and dads). I’ll share what I’ve read about it.

“The ’switching hour’ is that time, both hoped for and dreaded, when children become the objects of a house-to-house handoff, as they shuttle between divorced parents.”

“The Switching Hour is both a time and a metaphor for the life of children whose parents are no longer a couple sharing a home. It is that time when children are physically transported from one parent’s home to the other’s.”

The author, Evon O. Flesberg, Ph.D., M.Div.,LCPT works with children, parents, and families in her counseling practice in Nashville, Tennessee.

I will have the book in the Store on my web site. www.smoreforwomen.org

It Takes Faith to Face the World Alone

Quote of the Week

“Being listened to is so close to being loved, most people can’t tell the difference.”  David Oxberg

Interviewing Can Push Single Mom Through Confidence Boundaries

Boundaries are not fortresses as I’ve said before. Healthy boundaries are beneficial but there is a time to consider if you’ve created barriers that are not truly helpful for you. In our Seekers class Sunday we discussed how often Christians as much as others build barriers that hold us back and prevent us from the freedom we are given by grace. Single mothers who come from troublesome relationships often put limitations on themselves. This makes entering the job market more difficult than it usually is. Landing a job requires a level of confidence that may have been damaged by divorce or even an abusive marriage. I recall an early job search of my own.

Daddy always said when it comes to getting hired, “You have to let them know if they don’t hire you they’ve made a mistake.”

I never had that much nerve until I was in real need of a job. There were three ads in the Houston Post that I thought I could handle. I had never had a ‘real job’ before, one that meant forty hours a week and a boss that meant business. This would be the first.

I started with an interview for the manager of several mall kiosks that sold common greenhouse plants in cute containers. I arrived a little early to be interviewed by a young man who wasn’t too much older than I was. He asked that I take a walk through the greenhouse while he finished some business. As I strolled the aisles I recalled gardening with Mom. I’d dearly adored flowers of every kind since childhood.

The interview began with the usual questions-background, education, job history, something I had precious little of. He began to withdraw saying, “I have two others to interview. I’ll let you know.” I thought, I can handle this job and he isn’t going to hire me. Daddy’s words came back to me and out of my mouth I heard my self say, “If you don’t hire me you’ll be sorry.”

He was stunned. So was I. He grinned, “What makes you think so?”

With confidence I replied, “Because I know the name of every plant in your greenhouse.”

He nodded. His expression more serious now, “You may be right but I’m obligated to interview the other two applicants.”

At the next interview the same day I was about to be hired as a graphic layout artist when I said to the man in charge, “I need at least $25 more a month (than they were offering).”

He left the room for a few minutes and returned with a smile. “You’ve got the job.”

My first real job and I’d have my own work area. What a thrill! I would make $400 a month.

The best thrill came at 7:30 AM when the the plant kiosk owner called to offer me the job.

“I’m sorry,” I said, “I’ve already taken a job.”

“I knew it,” he said, “I knew you would be hired by now.”

I had to force the confidence that I really didn’t feel. I stuck my neck out and learned a huge lesson. Daddy was right.

Single Mothers, the New Poor

It may not be a new term, the “New Poor” but it doesn’t matter if it applies to you. The more single moms I talk with the more I admire the tenacity and overcoming spirit they possess as they deal with their changed economic status. The decision to become a parent is never made alone and yet single moms are often left alone to shoulder the responsibilities of parenthood. There are organizations with programs to assist single mothers and they do offer real solutions in some cases. I will attempt to provide information about them and am open to receiving information about any programs, grants, or other services that any of you are aware of.

The WMU (Women’s Missionary Union) has an organization called Christian Women’s Job Corp. For more information go to www.wmu.com/VolunteerConnection/CWJC  I will provide more about this in the near future.

Openings Available for Buckner Family Place

I’ve just received word from Judy Morgan at Buckner Family Place in Lufkin, Texas that they have several openings for single mothers who want to go to college. You may call them at (936)637-3300. This is an opportunity to make a new start and do so with loads of assistance. For more information use the link on the right.

Why Kids Need Boundaries

 

I’ve had occasion to think more recently about parents who want to be friends with their children. They don’t want their children to think of them as mean. They take it personally when a preschooler says, “I hate you.” The parent who doesn’t set boundaries for their children will never control the gate when the child is an adolescent. Boundaries are not fortresses. Boundaries are protection. Children who are not given this protection are frequently the ones who abuse the personal space of others.

 

I may see this as a more serious problem having taught school for many years, several of those in secondary public schools. What I experienced in the halls and classrooms, and this was several years back, made me even more determined that my own children would respect authority and the rules that make our civilization with all its faults work as well as it does. I recall a student that was frequently tardy to first period in a ninth grade class I taught. One day he made the mistake of saying to me, “I can’t help it. My mother didn’t wake me up.” On that particular day he had hit my last nerve. I emphatically told him and of course the rest of the class, “I have three children at home. They get themselves out of bed and ready for school. My ten year old prepares her own breakfast. And my two sons, younger than her, get themselves to the bus stop by 7:30. Don’t tell me it’s your mother’s fault you are late for school.”  He was never late again. Sometimes good old fashioned shame has its place.

 

You can imagine how the recent news of students beating their teacher brought me to a brewing point in my mind and should bring our nation to the boiling point. http://www.transworldnews.com/NewsStory.aspx?id=42665&cat=15  There is a reason elders are put in the position of authority. Not because they are always right or perfect or above reproach but primarily because they have lived longer in this world and paid the dues that put them there.

 

Children who are taught respect make it over the hurdles with much more ease than those who think the world owes them a lift when they approach those hurdles life. Hurdles are not road blocks. The process of growing to adulthood requires learning how to maneuver hurdles. Then it demands that we all learn how to take detours when real roadblocks stop us in our tracks.

 

Ever single mother knows about the hurdles and has experienced at least a few roadblocks. But being the lone parent most of the time if not all the time makes it difficult to be the boundary setter. Perhaps it would be easier to think of them as protection posts along the fence. Thinking long term—what do you want to hear your adult child say to you? “Mom, I hate you for not teaching me how the world works!” or “Mom, I appreciate the lessons that prepared me for the realities of life.”

Buckner Family Place, A Place of Hope

Last Friday I had the privilege of visiting a truly inspiring establishment. I went to Lufkin, Texas to learn more about the Buckner Family Place. As stated in their brochure, “Buckner Family Place programs help participants break the cycle of welfare dependence, reduce domestic violence in homes and eliminate incidents of child abuse while building stronger families through security and education.”

After meeting with administrators I met a few of the single moms. I saw how a genuine and caring program can break the cycle of povery and build confidence and job skills. It is creating futures for moms and their chldren.

There are fourty apartments in the Lufkin facility. There are similar facilities in Dallas, Lubbock, Midland and soon there will be two more in Conroe and Amarillo Texas. By collaborating with colleges and government agencies it is possible for single mothers to return to college and become self supporting. Along the way their self-worth gets a boost and their children can learn by example the value of education.

Learn more about the Buckner Family Place programs at www.bucknerchldren.org or call 214-758-8023.

Buckner Family Place in Lufkin, Texas 936-637-3300

Encouraging Single Moms to Grow Their Strengths

There are millions of single mothers in the United States who struggle through the pain and daily difficulties to make a satisfactory life for themselves and their children. Perhaps you are one of them. If you often feel alone an abandoned by our culture and sometimes even our churches, this blog may offer encouragement.

I was a single mother of three for sixteen years before I remarried over eleven years ago. I still care very deeply for single mothers

In early 2007 a group of single and formerly single mothers gathered to share and contribute to a project that would encourage single mothers. Their vision- to minister to single moms inspiring and encouraging them to achieve their potential from a one-day retreat focusing on a theme that would benefit the moms. We had our first retreat on September 29, 2007 and it was a wonderful day.

Our Mission is simply to encourage single moms to discover and develop their abilities and inner strengths.